Dear Doucher

Dear Big Timer,

No matter what I do you come in hot with something just a little bit better.  I scored 4 TD’s in a high school football game but you had 6 in the state championship.  I have had sex with 10 girls but you still hold the edge with 17 take downs and a couple of threesomes.  You are one of the rare douchebags that gets worse as time goes on and you have money.  After finding out I have seats to the big game you mock me from the mid-level as I stare down from the nosebleeds in agony.  Taking the family to Disney world is a safe bet though right? WRONG.  Because once you hear about it you are en route to a tropical resort for an all inclusive weeks vacation.  One area I definitely can’t keep up with you is self-promoting acts of douchery.  Have fun with your materialistic items…we sure as hell did with your wife’s fake tits!

They feel so real,

The people you have one upped

Dear King Cock block,

Your impeccable timing has blocked an unfathomable amount of salami from hiding over the years.  Just as the deal is about to be sealed your jealousy takes over and instantly sopping wet panties become dryer than the Sarhara.  You figure if you’re not going to get laid that no one should.  You’re such a good guy for looking out for that girl, I am sure you had no personal gain in mind driving your actions.  This Fuck You goes to Mr. I don’t want anyone to get laid because I am sick of masturbating alone at night.

Buy a Fleshlight,

Guys around the world

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Dear random person I only talk to drunk,

Of everyone I talked about so far you might be the one I hate most.  No matter how hard I try to avoid it, you find me every time we get back from a school break and barrage me with pointless questions.  How was break?  Was thanksgiving good?  Nice to see your family?  Of course a break from you and your generic questioning was amazing.  Although I don’t remember your name I will be sure to let my family know you were asking for them.  Finishing a conversation with you is like having an orgasm.  I gasp for air, light up a cigarette, and take a nap because I’m exhausted.  Please stop wasting our time and oxygen with your undying need to avoid looking like you have no friends at the bar.

Hoping we never speak again,

Everyone

Dear Gentlemen,

Or should I say ladies? You always seem to find yourself in the midst of girls night, proudly raising your apple martinis with your limp wrist. Do you think we don’t realize what you’re doing? Boyfriends of the world sit and watch you pretend you actually like “So you think you can dance?” just so you can talk to our ladies. I like women too, don’t get me wrong. I am just unwilling to take a dump on my pride to become close to them. I can’t thank you enough for showing your sensitive side to my girlfriend when we were fighting. Offering her a shoulder to cry on was definitely a selfless act from the bottom of your heart. Maybe if we break up you can finally get what you want and hook up with her. If this happens please don’t forget to call me and let me know how my dick tastes. I warn you to stop behaving like this because if you are not careful you are going to wake up with a permanent mangina soon.

You’re not fooling anyone,

The Guys

Dear Social Network Abuser,

I hope you can take 5 minutes off from constantly updating us about your every move and read this. I know you will be shocked to hear this…no one cares what you are doing right now. The fact that you think someone wants to know what you are doing at every moment is incredible. I love knowing that you have a final tomorrow and are unhappy to be in the library. College is so tough. I don’t know how you manage to get through it. I was going to comment on your status and wish you good luck but I figured your status would change before I had a chance to finish. I remember when you told me you were watching Jersey Shore with your friends. At that exact moment I was wondering if you were doing that, so thank you for clearing that up. I see your local sports team won today! You must be so proud because you play such an intricate role in their success. I hate you. Also, I love when you insert random inspirational quotes and song lyrics! There is nothing cooler than letting us know your upset about your relationship as you sit in your room listening to Coldplay on repeat. I know you are too busy with your own status so you never have a chance to check mine. Here it is: I no longer want to be friends with you because you nearly drowned me with your shower of mental diarrhea.


I defriended you,

The World

Dear Miss,

Do you remember that time you drank a lot and suddenly thought you were God’s gift to men? Judging by the drink stain on the front of your blouse, chances are, you do not. Unfortunately I remember it. You were the one stumbling around unable to put together a single coherent sentence. You came to the party a 6 but after a few drinks you placed beer goggles on yourself and became a 10. This warrants you thinking its your world and we are just living in it. Oh wait. No it doesn’t. Sadly no one else has on the same goggles, and the beautiful woman staring back at you in the mirror actually has a fupa to go along with her new found sense of confidence. Its not your appearance that bothers me at all. I will be the first to admit mediocrity arouses me.  My issue with you is when your annoying behavior gets in the way of everyone’s fun. Feel free to stop sucking immediately.


Love,

The guy you don’t remember meeting

Dear Doucher,

I remember our first meeting when you walked in carrying your overpriced Lance Armstrong bike.  The bike was pretty cool.  The knee pads and 5th grade helmet?  Well those were just amazing.  You proceeded to rave about your academic accomplishments hardly letting me get a word in.  As class started it all came together.  You are one of those terrible creatures who loves to hear themselves talk.  You disregarded everyone else in the room and gave yourself a verbal OTPHJ (over the pants hand job).  At one point kids in our class started using your name in place of the terms: douchebag, dickhead, and asshole.  You spent the semester making our class read your “published” works.  Although your writing was mediocre your self-love was second to none.  You pushed me to new levels professor.  I literally tried to Fuck a blender to see if it was more fun than listening to you.  It was.  I hope you get paper cuts on your old, hairy penis as you make love to your own writing.


With Hate,

The World